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Fancy a Fantasy?

By W. Eric Martin

Sexual fantasies can pop up at any time, whether you're putting gas in the car, having relations with your partner, spending time online reading articles about sexual fantasies--

Hey, stop that and pay attention to me....

As I was saying, everyone has sexual fantasies, and they cover every possible sexual activity. No matter how outré the plot, though, every sexual fantasy should be considered normal. Yes, normal. Fantasies, like dreams, come from the world around you. "It's not understood how [images and stories that you see and read] get integrated into your thoughts and reveries," says Sandra Scantling, author of Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide to Intimacy. "But everything you take in becomes connected in your fantasy repertoire."

Sometimes there's a clear cause-and-effect role: If your boss is cute and touches you on the arm a lot, it's understandable that you might fantasize about getting a "bonus" with your paycheck.

But for many sexual fantasies, cause and effect isn't so clear. A fantasy about someone other than your sexual partner doesn't equal dissatisfaction with that partner. Perhaps you merely took a shine to an actor in a movie you recently saw.

That said, just as sleeping dreams need to be interpreted to understand what they really mean, most fantasies should not be taken literally. Any sexual fantasy, no matter how bizarre, often has a straightforward, palatable interpretation, so don't automatically distance yourself from fantasies about socially unacceptable acts. "It's possible to enjoy all kinds of fantasies that you'd never tolerate in real life," says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. "Knowing the difference [between reality and fantasy] is the key to avoiding anxiety and problems."

In some cases, of course, a sexual fantasy means exactly what you think it means. If you're unhappy in your current relationship, fantasies about a former lover shouldn't come as a surprise.

Now, since your fantasies are only an extension of yourself, you should feel free to bring them to life, right? Not necessarily. "Fantasy sex is sex with no responsibilities and no negative consequences," says Dr. Tessina. "When you actually act out a fantasy with another person, you have to deal with the reality of the whole thing--which may not be so much fun after all."

If you do decide to make a sexual fantasy real, bring up the topic of fantasies with your partner in a relaxed environment, and if you're not sure how he or she will react, offer up a milder version of your fantasy: Instead of sex in the town park at noon, talk about sex on the kitchen counter or at the office after hours. This might satisfy your desire for lovemaking in a new location without weirding out your partner. If that fantasy works out, you can up the stakes a little higher next time.

But if your partner doesn't seem keen on the idea, well, don't take it too hard--you're always free to imagine whatever you like.

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