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Home
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Better Sex Report
The Better
Sex Report
By Kelly
James-Enger
About the time Austin residents Craig and
Shelly Meyers got married, Shelly purchased
a book of erotic stories. Although she
bought it out merely from curiosity, she
suggested that Craig read it as well. In
the five years since then the couple has
enjoyed other erotic books and has watched
an instructive video about improving intimacy.
Sharing these experiences, says Shelly,
has made them much more comfortable talking
about sex.
"My husband is very shy," says thirty-one-year-old Shelly. "This was more
for him than for me...but now I always have my husband read the books when
I'm done. It provides a springboard to say 'wow, that was an interesting fantasy'...it
provides a door to the subject that comes from a fairly safe place."
Many of us assume that a fabulous sex life
naturally follows once we find the right
person. The reality, says certified sex therapist
Sandra Scantling, is that developing a satisfying,
exciting sexual relationship often takes
time, effort-and education.
"We're not born great lovers," says Scantling, the Director of Intimacy Education
at the Sinclair Intimacy Institute in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. "We must
learn to be great lovers. Learning to love someone in a way that is sensitive
and satisfying and fulfilling doesn't come naturally but we think it does.
We think sex education is just for kids, but really it's not-it's for grownups."
But I'm Already a Good Lover!
Even if you're already happy with the frequency
and quality of your lovemaking, you can always
learn something. Maybe it's a position that
you've never thought of before, or an oral
sex technique that drives your husband wild.
Simply experimenting with different types
of sexual expression can be tremendously
illuminating, says Marianna Beck, Ph.D.,
co-author of The Ecstatic Moment (1997,
Dell).
"There's this expectation that the only kind of satisfying sex is through 'PV',
or penis/vagina sex. If people start to think about how they can get to an
excited state without penetration, it's quite amazing the fun you can have," says
Beck, Ph.D., who is also co-publisher and founder of the erotic journal Libido. "The
whole idea of mutual masturbation is something that can be extremely exciting
and sensual and sharing because it's an extraordinarily intimate act."
Learning more about sex can also keep you
from getting into a rut. "People get locked
into routines," says Beck. "They get locked
into the time they make love and they get
locked into the place. That can really be
a [sex] killer and yet if you change that,
it's a wonderful way of adding spice. Why
do you always have to make love on a bed?
Why not the sofa in the living room? There's
a huge erotic element when you remove sex
from its sort of traditional venue and move
it around to other places."
People also make assumptions about sex including
how long it will last, what it will include
and who should reach orgasm first. Although
you may take these unspoken beliefs for granted,
they can prevent you from exploring your
sexuality together. "Throw those things
out the window," suggests Beck. "Open yourself
up to the more creative end of it like bringing
in a video, bringing in a vibrator, relocating
it to another room, maybe planning for it
on a weekend, or thinking about taking workshops.
That's definitely what I would tell someone
new who is perhaps new in a relationship
or anticipating marriage and worried about
it getting old and stale."
Most importantly, by learning
more about sex, the two of you learn more
about each other. "It's another form of
show and tell," explains Scantling. "Say
'let me show you how I like it' and kiss
him in the way that you like to be kissed.
Not everybody appreciates the same kind of
kiss in the same way that we all don't like
our food seasoned the same way. It's not
intuitive-we don't all just naturally know
how we want our breasts touched or how we
want our thighs stroked. Every one of us
is unique and so teaching is part of being
a good lover as is listening with an open
mind-not listening to see if this person
is telling you what you want to hear."
Making a Good Thing Even Better
It's well worth putting the time to learn
more about sex because it doesn't happen
in a vacuum. The strength and closeness of
your sexual relationship carries over into
your day-to-day relationship as well.
"Couples should understand that sex is a form of communication," says Scantling. "I
think that when couples consider or experience sex as something that happens
below the waist in some few square inches of skin area they really miss the
broader picture. For sex to be good at the beginning, at the middle and even
at the end of someone's relationship, throughout the relationship, you have
to keep that in mind that it's a process. It's not something that we do to
one another-it's an experience that you share with one another."
Beverly Richards admits that she was surprised
when her husband, a computer technician,
brought home sex education software. "At
first I thought it was a little strange-it's
not like you normally learn about sex on
a computer," says Beverly, 38. "But it was
kind of interesting...I think I learned something.
It was a lot better than what I had expected."
Using the software together gave the couple
a chance to talk more freely about what their
sexual desires and expectations. "In some
ways the fact of doing it together, and going
through the training thing together gave
us the opportunity to communicate," she explains. "It
may not have been precisely because we learned
new techniques or anything but because we
talked about it and figured out what each
other was thinking. A lot of us grow up with
preconceived notions of what all women want
or what all men want and we don't communicate
with each other. We just tend to do those
things whether our partner actually wants
that or not."
Learning about sex doesn't have to be serious
business either. Shelly and Craig enjoyed
experimenting with a number of sex toys she
received at her bachelorette party. "I would
say for things like oil or any other kind
of toy accessory- type thing, a lot of just
go backs to the fun part. It's a toy-it's
fun! It doesn't always have to be the waves
crashing against the shore or deep meaningful
conversation through touching," she says. "Sometimes
it can just be playing together and if you
have these things to try out, it almost gives
you permission or an excuse or an inspiration...to
let yourself enjoy it more. Even if it's
a gag thing, like you get handcuffs and you're
not a handcuff kind of girl, just twirling
them around can get you talking and thinking
and laughing together-and that's good because
you're still sharing that laugh over it."
Your sexual happiness with each other spills
over into other areas of your lives as well,
says Linda Banner. "I see sex and self-esteem
as being very intertwined. I think that as
we develop more confidence with our sexual
functioning, we develop more confidence in
ourselves and our ability to communicate
and to relate with other people and vice
versa," says Banner, a certified sex therapist
in Los Jatos, California. "As we feel more
comfortable with ourselves, then our sexual
functioning works a whole lot better. The
techniques help but I think it's kind of
a synergistic process. The communication,
the relationship, the intimacy-all of that
works together to have better functioning."
Tools, Techniques and Toys: What's Out There?
If you want to learn more about sex, you
can hit the books-or just about anything
else. There's an endless variety of tools
available including books, magazine articles,
videos, software programs, workshops, retreats,
and sexual therapists. Books like Anne Hooper's Kama
Sutra (DK Publishing, 1994) or The New
Joy of Sex (Pocket Books, 1992) provide
illustrations and text about dozens of positions
and techniques that you can try. Watching
videotapes or reading erotica can also give
you ideas that you can experiment with as
well.
"Looking at an erotic video is a great way to get comfortable and get ideas
about sex and positions," says Beck. "Some, like Candida Royale's Femme productions
are a very gentle and sensual approach to lovemaking and it isn't that sort
of often crude porno that you get in video stores."
"It's the
old saying a picture is
worth a thousand words," agrees
Banner, who has appeared
in videos produced by the
Sinclair Intimacy Institute
and uses them in her practice. "Everyone
that has watched these
videos has said these are
fantastic and they really
help." Banner recently
treated a couple who came
to her because the husband
was having rapid ejaculation
and erection problems.
Viewing sex education videos
together improved their
sex life.
"After watching the videos, they were able to practice some of the things they
saw. He says that he feels much more confident and much more relaxed now," says
Banner. "Videos can help a couple in the privacy of their own home. They can
stop it, they can start it, they can rewind it and look at it again, they can
turn off and practice-it allows a lot of flexibility for them."
Other options include weekend
retreats and workshops
that offer couples a chance
to explore their sexuality
in greater depth. Workshops
that offer Tantric sex-lovemaking
that focuses on reaching
higher spiritual levels
and reaching both spiritual
and sexual ecstasy-are
growing in popularity.
If you're interested in
attending such an event,
ask for references and
recommendations-they vary
substantially in structure
and format. (For example,
some suggest complete nudity
during group activities;
others are more sedate.)
If you and your partner
have been unable to address
sexual issues in your relationship,
you may want to consider
professional help. Sex
therapists and counselors
work with individuals and
couples to help resolve
sexual problems. Check
your telephone book for
a therapist near you, or
call the American Association
of Sex Educators, Counselors
and Therapists for a referral.
While the heat of your
initial sexual passion
may fade over time, your
sex life need not become
mediocre or routine. Willingness
to explore your sexuality
with your partner-while
learning more about each
other in the process-will
keep your marriage strong
and exciting in the years
to come. It's definitely
time well spent, says Shelly.
"I think that putting time and effort into it made us more confident with each
other and less inhibited," she says. "And so even though it's not necessarily
the first rush or the first caress, it's still a re-invented experience-because
we don't want to fall into a routine and we're willing to work to make sure
that we don't."
Sex Killers
While part of being a good
lover is knowing what to
do in bed, it's also knowing
what not to do. Since it's
often easier to kill the
mood than to get into it,
avoid these passion squelchers:
-
Talking about or making references
to your previous lovers-e.g., "Boy,
Chris was insatiable!" The bed's only
big enough for the two of you. Focus
on each other, not on memories of past
lovers.
-
Barking orders in bed-"Touch
me there, do it this way, don't do that!" Instead,
try saying "you know, I'd really love
it if you'd..." or simply show him what
you'd like.
-
Pointing out bodily imperfections-"gee
honey, you'd look really great if you lost
a few pounds" or "Is it my imagination
or has your back gotten hairier?" You
want to feel comfortable with each other,
not self-conscious.
-
Becoming trapped in a sexual rut-if
you can predict what will happen every
time you're in bed, you're bound to get
bored. Experiment with different locations,
positions and techniques-or act out a fantasy
that's always excited you.
-
Failing to resolve anger or other
emotions. "If people are having
problems sexually it tends to be a trip-wire
for something else," says Beck. "It
usually doesn't mean there's some kind
of organic problem-it usually means somebody's
pissed off about some other issue and
it gets played out in the arena of sexuality." In
other words, if you're upset about something,
talk it out-instead of taking it out
on each other in the bedroom.
-
Where to Find the Good Stuff:
American
Association of Sex Educators, Counselors
and Therapists, or fax, 319-895-6203--referrals
to trained sex counselors and therapists
in your area.
Candida Royale, 800/456-LOVE--sexually
explicit videos from a woman's perspective.
Good
Vibrations, 1-800-289-8423--great selection
of sex tools, toys, books, videos and other
resources.
Sinclair Intimacy Institute, 919/929-3797--offers
sex instruction videos including The
Guide to G-Spots and Multiples:
The Ultimate O and Creative Positions
for Lovers: Beyond the Bedroom.
tantra.com for
listing of Tantric sex workshops nationwide.
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